Warrior’s Heart

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Am I Eugene’s Parent?

in seventh grade, I knew parents that loved their son so much, they turned a boy with some social issues into the school geek.

Eugene* (name changed) was a nice and shy student. His pale skin, dark hair with a cowlick in the front, and over-sized glasses didn’t help him with his struggle to fit in. Eugene walked with a permanent stoop and would stand with his hands in the front of his pants – a wide set band, making him appear much older than his years. I believe the factor that contributed the most to his awkward appearance was his attire.

The week of spirit week, Eugene came to school wearing a dark blue denim outfit, which appeared to be dark polyester blue. Despite being teased, Eugene smiled and tried to blend in.

When our science teacher overheard other students comment about Eugene’s outfit, Mr. Jones* (name changed) proceeded to defend him. “Before you make fun of someone, it helps to have an understanding of where they come from.  Eugene’s parents had their son in their late 40’s. He’s their only child, his mom is a homemaker, and an excellent seamstress that makes all of his clothing. They probably protect him a bit too much, because he is their ONLY child. “

Mr. Jones had met with Eugene’s parents at student teacher conferences and explained how Eugene was having a difficult time fitting in. He suggested that perhaps more “in style” clothing could help him fit in more easily with the other students. His mother unfortunately, used the same pattern over and over and purchased polyester fabric. Which wasn’t helping Eugene’s seventh grade image. Are we bringing a village in to help us raise our children, or are we isolating and creating a protective wall around our children and our family?

Shortly afterward, Eugene had new jeans from a store! I still remember when one of the girls made a BIG deal about his jeans and said how good she thought he looked in them. Eugene seemed to stand a little taller and smile a little deeper. All because a teacher took the time to talk to a group of seventh graders and treat us and our classmate with respect.

My memories of this caring science teacher got me thinking. Are we as parents, teaching and training our children to become Eugene’s? Are we bringing a village in to help us raise our children, or are we isolating and creating a protective wall around our children and our family?

I’m asking these questions, because I’m struggling with the answers. Our son has an auto immune disorder that kept him out of school for 1-1/2 of the last 3 years of school. He’s smart enough that he can catch up with the school work, but he’s failing socially. And we’re unsure how to help him. As I look at the things we’re doing I find myself wondering are we becoming like Eugene’s parents? Are we so focused on future recovery that we’re sacrificing present joy and belonging? How can I protect him, but still encourage him to grow and spread his wings? How can we help our children, and society, to accept our children for who they are now? How can we help our children to be who they are – to accept them and help them at the same time?

These are questions I’ll be exploring for myself and for you in this blog. I’d love your comments on how you’re managing the gap between knowing how to step in and help and knowing when to step back and let your child learn as we begin this journey together.

Julie Cadman is the co-founder, President & CEO of Healing Complex Kids. She is passionate about providing information to help families in their quest to heal their complex kids.

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The Organized Mom’s Approach to a Better Life

For those of us who love to make lists, relaxing seems the farthest thing from the sense of accomplishment that comes with checking off just one more item on our To Do List. Relaxing and managing lists don’t have to be mutually exclusive. In my quest to find the elusive balance in my life, I came up with a new way of adding important items to my list. Here are some items to add to your list that will help you in your quest for the all important balance.

Monday – What are the big problems you are dealing with this week? What are the tasks that take great amounts of time or require skills you aren’t great with. Put these items on a list, then begin to brainstorm. Who can help you with these items? Would someone bring your children home from school so you can spend 30 minutes on another errand? Can one of your friends help you with completing some medical forms or researching a treatment for your child? Maybe one of your friends has already helped their child with a school project that your child must complete by next week. Do you have a closet that needs to be cleaned? Invite a friend to help and then take the left-over clothes to the Salvation Army or shelter.

Tuesday – Take some time for your appearance. When was the last time you had a hair cut or put on make-up? When was the last time you put real clothes on, not sweat pants? Are you on a diet and need some extra support? Do you have a friend that is also interested in getting healthy? Can you set up time to support each other’s efforts, maybe schedule a walk, e-mail or weekly phone call? It’s important to take time for yourself and your appearance. Especially if you have children, you must model for them how to care for their appearance.

Wednesday – Schedule a nap. Mid-week is a great time to take 30 to 60 minutes to recharge your batteries. Use an alarm clock and get yourself up 30 minutes before your kids arrive home from school so you’ll be physically and emotionally recharged for them.

Thursday – Experiment. What is something you’ve wanted to learn? Photography? Yoga? How to write a short story or write a book? Whatever it is, make sure it fits into your hectic schedule. Learning a foreign language might be difficult because you must practice it often, but maybe you could practice speaking the language while running errands, then use your at-home time for reading and writing the language.  Learning pottery in half-hour spurts might not be practical, but maybe you can study art and art history until you can find dedicated time for classes.

Friday – Reconnect with friends. Use this concentrated time to either send a family member an e-mail or call a friend you haven’t talked with in a while. Most of us can find a few minutes in the morning or at night to exchange short messages with people on Facebook; use this time to get into those long conversations that just aren’t possible with social media. Make sure that you are engaging with people – I recently realized that it had been two years since I’d last talked with an old friend! Don’t let time get away from you!

If making time for yourself seems like a distraction from your To Do List, then put “you” on your list. You get the rejuvenation of doing something for you and the enjoyment of checking another item off of your list! And most importantly, don’t let your lists get in the way of spontaneous moments of fun with your family and friends!  Enjoy your week and your days – remember what’s important to you and to your family and use your lists to help obtain your needed balance.

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Welcome to the Warrior Moms Community

Thank you so much for visiting our new Warrior Mom’s blog ! We’re going to reserve this area for posts about encouragement, advice, humor, and breaking news. We’re very excited to have you as a part of our community and want to tell you a little bit about our hopes and dreams for you and our community. A Warrior Mom is a parent or guardian that will leave no stone unturned in their quest to provide help and healing for their child. A parent that is continually researching, asking questions and never, ever, ever gives up!

Like many of you, my husband and I are the parents of a child (children) with complex issues. In the last 10 years we’ve seen doctors and therapists in 16 states and Mexico. Usually when we tell people this statistic, we get a “Woah!”

Yeah, “woah” is right. We don’t believe that ANY family should have to travel to 16 states and see countless doctors in the quest to heal their child. One of our long-range goals is to have a medical facility in metro Detroit with state-of-the-art doctors and therapists that work together to treat your ENTIRE child. They will help find the best mode of therapies to recover your child to be the person that we believe they were created to be. Meanwhile, we and several of our friends, other members of the Healing Complex Kids Community – the true Warrior Moms and Dads – continue to network, work together, and discuss what we see working for each of our kids and our families. We’re a great group of people – some of the best moms, dads, and kids that you will find anywhere!

In closing, there are MANY different definitions of a Warrior Mom – we’ve seen some great responses, but for our purposes, a Warrior Mom is a parent or guardian that will leave no stone unturned in their quest to provide help and healing for their child. A parent that is continually researching, asking questions and never, ever, ever gives up! Our children are precious and we are so grateful to be a part of such an awesome community of special families that are in the process of healing their complex kids.

We hope you enjoy these articles. Julie and Dana Cadman will be blogging and sharing encouragement, advice, humor, breaking news, etc. Some of our favorite guest bloggers, and Warrior Moms and Dads will also share their hearts with you in this community.