in seventh grade, I knew parents that loved their son so much, they turned a boy with some social issues into the school geek.
Eugene* (name changed) was a nice and shy student. His pale skin, dark hair with a cowlick in the front, and over-sized glasses didn’t help him with his struggle to fit in. Eugene walked with a permanent stoop and would stand with his hands in the front of his pants – a wide set band, making him appear much older than his years. I believe the factor that contributed the most to his awkward appearance was his attire.
The week of spirit week, Eugene came to school wearing a dark blue denim outfit, which appeared to be dark polyester blue. Despite being teased, Eugene smiled and tried to blend in.
When our science teacher overheard other students comment about Eugene’s outfit, Mr. Jones* (name changed) proceeded to defend him. “Before you make fun of someone, it helps to have an understanding of where they come from. Eugene’s parents had their son in their late 40’s. He’s their only child, his mom is a homemaker, and an excellent seamstress that makes all of his clothing. They probably protect him a bit too much, because he is their ONLY child. “
Mr. Jones had met with Eugene’s parents at student teacher conferences and explained how Eugene was having a difficult time fitting in. He suggested that perhaps more “in style” clothing could help him fit in more easily with the other students. His mother unfortunately, used the same pattern over and over and purchased polyester fabric. Which wasn’t helping Eugene’s seventh grade image. Are we bringing a village in to help us raise our children, or are we isolating and creating a protective wall around our children and our family?
Shortly afterward, Eugene had new jeans from a store! I still remember when one of the girls made a BIG deal about his jeans and said how good she thought he looked in them. Eugene seemed to stand a little taller and smile a little deeper. All because a teacher took the time to talk to a group of seventh graders and treat us and our classmate with respect.
My memories of this caring science teacher got me thinking. Are we as parents, teaching and training our children to become Eugene’s? Are we bringing a village in to help us raise our children, or are we isolating and creating a protective wall around our children and our family?
I’m asking these questions, because I’m struggling with the answers. Our son has an auto immune disorder that kept him out of school for 1-1/2 of the last 3 years of school. He’s smart enough that he can catch up with the school work, but he’s failing socially. And we’re unsure how to help him. As I look at the things we’re doing I find myself wondering are we becoming like Eugene’s parents? Are we so focused on future recovery that we’re sacrificing present joy and belonging? How can I protect him, but still encourage him to grow and spread his wings? How can we help our children, and society, to accept our children for who they are now? How can we help our children to be who they are – to accept them and help them at the same time?
These are questions I’ll be exploring for myself and for you in this blog. I’d love your comments on how you’re managing the gap between knowing how to step in and help and knowing when to step back and let your child learn as we begin this journey together.
Julie Cadman is the co-founder, President & CEO of Healing Complex Kids. She is passionate about providing information to help families in their quest to heal their complex kids.